


When Pain Means Nothing

by Paladin4TheRight



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Happy Ending, High School, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mentions of Clyde Donovan, Mentions of Major Character Death, Mentions of Mental Illness, Mentions of Token Black, Mentions of Tweek Tweak, Mentions of Underage Sex, One Shot, Sad with a Happy Ending, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 10:05:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13738545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paladin4TheRight/pseuds/Paladin4TheRight
Summary: There's no light at the end of the tunnel for Kenny McCormick. Except, maybe a small one...





	When Pain Means Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> This is backstory to my AU. There's mentions of self-harm, depictions of depression and suicidal tendencies. It definitely has an uplifting ending though. :3

Loud noises reverberated off the cafeteria walls as Butters walked around, holding tightly onto his lunch tray. He was in search of his friends: Kyle, Eric, and Kenny. He looked around, trying to find two orange coats and a red one. He wasn’t looking for Stan’s brown one because he knew Stan was in a different state right now bringing the South Park Cows to victory, along with Clyde, Token, and Tweek who would be on the drum line with the school band. Finally, he’d found Kyle and Cartman sitting by themselves, missing the third hooded boy. Butters walked up and grinned. “H-heya fellas.” He stuttered and looked at the other two sixteen-year-olds. “I-is Kenny at school today?”

“I thought I saw him earlier in class.” Kyle shrugged.

Cartman shoved food into his face before saying, “Maybe he is in the bathroom. Maybe he is just too poor to eat today.” He laughed loudly, spraying little bits of food onto the table.

“Shut up Fatass! You should share some of your food with him. You’ve had plenty already!”

“Aye! I eat what I want when I want and how much I want, you stupid fucking Jew!” He retorted. Kyle and Cartman’s voices only began to rise.

*~*~*~*

Kenny was, in fact, in the bathroom with a razor blade hovering over his wrist. He sat on top of the toilet with the seat down and wiped the tears from his eyes. Every corner of the bathroom held shadows that danced and swayed. At some point Kenny couldn’t tell if it was all in his mind or if it was real. He thought about slitting his wrists, but he knew it wouldn’t do him any good. He would show up in the same hell hole again and hear the same fucking jokes. When he was younger, he turned his curse into a super power, trying to turn something so negative into a positive. He always tried to see the best in everything. At some point, his days grew darker. He couldn’t find the same joy in life. Nothing was positive and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was, in every damned possible way, alone. He couldn’t talk to his friends about it because they laughed it off, thinking he was joking and never remembered the moments he pointed out. He could never go to his parents for obvious reasons. He wasn’t close enough to any other adults and who would have believed him anyway. He would have been carted off to a mental health rehabilitation clinic. Puberty was hard to go through for every kid; each one in a different way, but Kenny McCormick’s entire life was full abnormalities. A teen should never have died as many times as Kenny had in his short lifetime. He shouldn’t know what drowning feels like or what being set on fire does to every nerve ending. He should never have had to shoot himself in the head for a goddamn good night’s sleep and he should never have had to take care of his younger sister as he did every fucking day. Every day was always the same thing, over and over and over again. Nothing fucking mattered.

*~*~*~*

Butters watched the two other teens bicker and he smiled awkwardly before turning on his heel to go to the bathroom. His cafeteria tray was still in hand. There weren’t a lot of kids in South Park so finding Kenny in one of two of the male bathrooms wasn’t exactly difficult to do. “Hey Ken?” Butters called out in one bathroom. When he didn’t hear any noise, he began to walk towards the other. His little blue converse shoes tapped against the linoleum flooring as he made his way across the school. Without wanting to drop his tray, he rapped his foot up against the second bathroom door. “Hey Ken?” He asked again. He waited for a moment before managing to hold the tray and all its contents with one hand to open the door and peak inside. “Ken, ya in here?”

“No man, go away.” Kenny countered, his voice muffled by his hood. “Fuck.” He murmured under his breath and closed his eyes tight with frustration. Now Butters knew which stall he was in. He wiped the tears from his face and immediately tried to suck it up. No matter how hard he wiped his eyes, the stupid tears kept falling. He was no pussy. If the guys ever found out…he’d never hear the end of it. “I’m fine Butters. This morning’s breakfast just got the better of me. I’ll be out in a little bit.” He grumbled once he gained confidence that his voice wouldn’t give him away.

Moving further into the bathroom, Butters set the food tray on the counter of sinks. He licked his lips and followed the voice to the stall Kenny was in. His platinum blonde brows furrowed and he sighed once he saw the stall Kenny’s feet were in. His pants weren’t near the ground. Weird. “Ya sure it’s just your stomach?” His voice was gentle. “I have some stuff in my bag that helps me when I have stomach problems. I could get ya some.” He comforted in a soft voice.

Kenny let out a sigh as he wiped his eyes one last time. “I’m fine, Butters.” He lied abruptly but trying really hard not to be rude. He really did like Butters but he just wanted to die. For good. He was tired of trying and always coming back. The deaths that he experienced during childhood were always stupid accidents. In the past year or so he had managed to keep a list of different ways to die, hoping just one of them would magically unlock freedom from this hell he called life. There were tick marks on the wall next to his bed of how many deaths he came back from. He had so many he had lost count now. He couldn’t see a way out and there was no light in his life. He couldn’t soak his problems in alcohol like Stan could. Weed would sometimes help. Sometimes it made it worse. Sex was the only thing he even remotely had any fucking skill at and even that lost its flavor. Nothing was as tasteful as it used to be and Kenny fucking hated it. He hated being the poor kid in school. He fucking hated living with abusive, meth-headed alcoholic parents. He hated that he had to protect his sister from their own goddamn parents. He hated that he had to go some days without eating just to ensure Karen had enough food. He fucking hated himself. He fucking hated everything. He had bottled all of his feelings inside his heart and hid inside his orange parka for so long that he wasn’t even sure how he was supposed to feel anymore. There was no one to talk to. No one could possibly fucking relate to his dormant volcano of issues. His friends probably didn’t even know what he looked like except Stan. Stanley was the only one that helped him through the darkest of moments. Even though sex didn’t really mean more to Kenny than a good fucking time, when it was with Stan it seemed more intimate and it was one of the few things that made him feel something good. Something positive. It wasn’t love…but something close. Still, Stan wasn’t here, and this was the worst that Kenny had ever felt. There was no one helping him through it this time.

“I don’t think I’ll need them.” He uttered gloomily, his voice becoming gentler. His voice cracked a little and he tried to prevent a sob from forcing its way out of his throat.

Butters put a hand to his face and rubbed, feeling the slight keloid scarring that lorded over his left eye and down half his cheek. His already pale blue eyes were just slightly more clouded in his left eye and his vision was blurred in a lot of instances. He sighed, listening to Kenny. He sounded different than normal. Usually the tall blonde boy was confident and so very sure of himself. Today he sounded small. “I-Okay, Kenny.” He said softly and began to walk, headed into the stall next to Kenny. He clambered onto the toilet, stood up and looked over the other side. He placed a hand to his mouth before his gasp could be overly audible. “Kenny…” He confronted, “Get outta the stall. I need to talk to ya.” Butters had seen the razor and Kenny’s sleeve rolled up. He had no idea. Was Kenny really suicidal? Butters felt so badly. “C’mon Kenny.” He tried to convince him in a soft tone as he hopped down from the toilet.

“It’s not what you think Butters. I could kill myself now but it wouldn’t fuckin’ matter. I would be back in this loop. I’d be repeating the day almost like it never happened and no one would remember or even fuckin’ care. I’ve tried it in every fuckin’ way possible. I always wake up the next morning in my stupid, poor ass bed and the same fuckin’ clothes.” Kenny groaned as he crawled off the toilet long enough to unlock the stall door. His green backpack had been tossed to the side against the wall of the large stall. He hopped up to stand on the toilet and dropped the razor to the floor. “I can’t die. I can’t fuckin’ leave this place.” He explained in a mournful tone as he had tears well up in his eyes again and began sobbing.

Butters shook his head and headed over to the stall Kenny was in. He opened the now unlocked door and ran to wrap his arms around Kenny’s waist. “Kenny, I dunno what you’re goin’ through right now but I promise all your friends really care about ya.” He drawled our. “I dunno what I’d do if you were to go away Kenny. I don’t wanna experience that.” He said softly. “You remember, I used to have dreams about ya dyin’ almost every night.” Butters was almost mumbling into Kenny’s belly. “I hadn’t dreamt about that in a while so I figured you were in a good place.” He sniffled, tears welling up in his eyes. “You can talk to me, ya know. I’m not a professional or nothin’ but I’ve been to my own councelin.’”

Tears spilled down Kenny’s face as he tried to wipe them away. “I stopped coming to you. I’m sorry.” He sobbed. “I can’t get out of this feeling. I’ve been trying for over a year. It won’t go away.” He confessed as he pet Butters’ soft hair. “Fuck.” He wiped his eyes off on his sleeve and held Butters close to him. “I just don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. I hate it so fuckin’ much.”

“W-what do ya hate so much about it?” He asked softly, tears beginning to well up in his own eyes. “Ya have good friends. Eric’s there…” Butters thought for a moment. “Is it because of Eric?” Butters looked up at Kenny, blinking the tears out of his eyes. “I’d understand if Eric was the problem.” He nodded his head. He looked around for a moment and pulled his face away from Kenny’s belly. “Why don’t ya come down from the toilet Kenny? That way we can really talk.”

“Alright.” Kenny responded as he wiped his nose on his sleeve and he stepped down from the toilet. He stood up, standing quite a few inches taller than Butters. He released the grip his hood had over his face and he removed his hood completely, causing his dirty blonde hair to stick up messily. He enjoyed the feeling of the cold air hitting his hot, sticky face. He looked down at Butters, revealing his red, raw eyes and puffy swollen cheeks from crying.

Butters looked up at Kenny and smiled. He reached a small hand up to the side of Kenny’s face and ran his thumb over Kenny’s red, puffy cheek. He opened his mouth as he watched Kenny’s face. The other boy was so handsome, not that anyone would ever know because he kept himself hidden under the hood of his parka. “Wow…” Butters swooned.

Watching Butters with cobalt blue eyes, Kenny sniffled a bit. “What?” He asked quietly, finding Butters pale blue eyes searching in his own. What did the other teen hope to find there? There was nothing that exquisite in Kenny. He closed his eyes, finally, and gently leaned into Butters’ soft, loving touches despite himself. They gave him goosebumps and made his heart pick up in pace. It was softer that when Stan touched him. Sweeter, even.

Butters’ eyes widened and he smiled, his cheeks turning red. “Oh I don’t, um…” He lowered his head to turn his eyes away from Kenny but he kept his hand up on Kenny’s face. He looked back at Kenny and grinned, “You, um, you’re real tall.” He quipped stupidly, unimpressed with himself.

Smiling a little bit, Kenny rubbed more tears from his eyes. They had seemed to stop flowing. He nuzzled into Butters’ sweet touch. He almost felt better which was strange because Stan was always the one that helped him improve. “Thanks Leo.” He hitched a breath with sincerity. “I’m sure you’re hungry. Why don’t we go eat lunch?”

Butters smiled widely and nodded his head. “Okay!” He exclaimed excitedly. He looked to the tray of food he’d brought in that was sitting on the bathroom sink. He was really grateful that the cleaning crews worked very hard to keep the school clean for the kids. Butters walked over to his tray and then looked to Kenny. “I’ll share if you want. If not, I brought a sack lunch too.”

“Thanks dude, I appreciate it.” Kenny genuinely smiled. He watched Butters thoughtfully for a moment and then turned his head to look at himself in the mirror. He looked awful. His cheeks were a little hollow, his eyes bloodshot and his cheeks were swollen and red. “I should probably put my hood back on. I don’t look very good.” He admitted sullenly.

Butters shook his head, “Ya look fine, Ken.” He grinned in blunt honesty. “But if ya want your hood back on, I won’t fight ya.” He watched Kenny with careful pale eyes. His heart swelled a bit. He’d always had a special place in his heart for the other boy.

Kenny watched Butters for a moment but never retorted with anything. He watched the other boy with gentle, raw cobalt eyes and found himself smiling. How was it that Butters came to him when he really needed someone? Was it meant to be? None of the other teens would have bothered to look for Kenny. Maybe Kenny was looking at everything all wrong. He had this curse for a reason, even though he had no idea the reason why he was cursed. Maybe it was so he could take care of Karen. Maybe it was so he could continue to teach Stan how to be gay. Or…maybe…just maybe it was to have Butters come and look for him and touch his face ever so tenderly. He had never felt such a gentle touch. All the sweetest touches had always been from Butters. Even when he would be on death’s doorstep and make his way to Butters’ room to die in peace when he was younger, Butters has always taken care of him so carefully. So fucking thoughtfully. He was always so sweet to Kenny. Maybe Kenny had taken that for granted. He felt the smile on his face grow wider as he walked over to Butters and took his tray from his hand. “A real gentleman carries things for you.” He wiggles his eyebrows, giving Butters a small smile “And you know what? I’ll leave my hood down today, just for you.” He made a justified nod. He opened the bathroom door for Butters while he balanced the tray in one of his large hands.

He had been looking at everything in all the wrong ways. He was being selfish. This wasn’t about him. He was supposed to be there for a select few people even if it wasn’t obvious for whom at first. He had realized that day that one of them might just be Leopold “Butters” Stotch.


End file.
